Tonight, something inside me just collapsed. As you must know I’ve been struggling lately. I’ve been getting stressed which has caused my anxiety to flare up which combines in this great cloud of stress-anxiety which switches on the depression leaving a weight on my chest and the easiest person to snap. Some days I do a little better than others and honestly today started out as one of those. I’d got my character in World of Warcraft to 85 which was great and okay, I was stressing about getting many things done before work but happy times. I ate a pack of Chilli Doritos and a Boost on my way to work, and I was working with Matty (Dan’s brother) both of which were awesome. I spent a shift being way too tired to function correctly but customers were a delight to serve, everyone was great.. and then the end of the shift happened.

We have to sweep and mop at the end of the evening and usually one person will do one and one will do the other. Matty asked if he could sweep tonight so yeah, I agreed to mop. When we closed up the shop, I quickly finished getting a bit of stock out and took the cardboard out back to be recycled. I then went into the kitchen to fill the mop bucket before tidying the shelves a bit (fronting up), just so that it’s ready. Which is when the following conversation happened in increasingly raised voices.

*I walk into kitchen past the store room*
Colleague: There’s stock there. (which initially I heard as “why is there stock there?”)
Me: Okay.
Colleague: Well don’t just walk past it, put it out.
Me: I didn’t know it needed to go out..
Colleague: Well I just told you.
Me: No you didn’t.
Colleague: Yes I did! I just told you! Now put it out! *colleague walks off*
(this is the point in which I wondered why colleague didn’t do it..)
*I go put stock out, which happens to simply be a few toilet rolls*
*I start crying and snap*

The problem with this particular colleague is that they don’t ask. They never say please. They just expect you to take their orders and demands. There’s no “Please could you do this?” just “Well, err, do it.” They talk to us like we’re primary school kids and are utterly hypocritical. They make up stupid rules, they tell you not to slouch.. They even said the other night after I said I’d done some date checking, “Well you didn’t do a very good job of it because I just had to take a load of the cucumbers off.” This is my number one fear and paranoia working here. That I am a waste of space and comments like this do nothing to help. Being spoken down to makes me think that they see me as a crap worker that doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like a human being because I can’t do my job properly anyway so I therefore must be incompetent. And it’s not just me! That’s the worst part. It’s Matty. And it’s Dan. Christ it’s worse with Dan. They really don’t like him for some reason and I’ve had enough. We’ve tried talking to the manager in the past and he’s done nothing about it.

Something inside of me just collapsed tonight. I’ve had enough. I don’t know how to keep surviving through life right now. If I wasn’t working with Matty tonight, I don’t know how that would have ended. Would I have been able to do the mopping at all? Could I have fronted up the shelves as I did? If Matty wasn’t there, there would have been nobody asking me if I was okay. Or to talk to about stars and frozen planets and the history of the evolution of homo sapiens.

I don’t know what to do. The mentioned colleague isn’t the only one driving me insane. There’s another making people feel like shit. There are passive aggressive notes left lying around. “Staff. [long note explaining how some people did something wrong] If this is how you treat your job then I find it hilarious! What happened to team work?!” And apparently this is okay. I’ve reached my breaking point. Talking to management doesn’t work. I can’t quit. And work is very sparse at the moment and this job ends November. I need a safety blanket to help me through this part of my life but I honestly feel so alone in what’s happening. There’s no comfort and I can’t rely on people forever.